Go Ask Alice

When you go chasing rabbits, things appear somewhat changed in the movement of people and objects are brighter but not shinier.   There is a difference. Visually people’s movements chase along.  One or two times.  Voices can have an echo effect and a multiple of sounds rise into a crescendo.  These experiences rise and recede as you move through the experience. One minute you feel lost and can get on edge then quickly you become grounded. More firmly planted then you have ever felt in your life.  They come and go.  One minute you are and next minute you are not, but ultimately, you are here, now.  You just have to hold on.

On the walk home during the evening,  I passed by parked cars and buildings with the streets lights glowing on them.   The outlines of everything around me had a black sharpie marker outline like a graphic novel.  I was now in a graphic novel and asked my friend if she was in a graphic novel too, but she was not.  I placed my hands in front of my face and turned them from palm to back of hand.  The black sharpie outline curved with my fingertips and held the color of my hands in place.  I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and observed everything around me, and the sharpie black marker outlined the bushes, trees, street lamps, cars and people.  I no longer had a sense of navigation and new not where on planet earth I stood.  Just that I was standing there in the middle of a sidewalk.  

We made it to the apartment and after a long night were ready for bed.  I was crashing on my friend’s couch for the evening.  The graphic novel effect had disappeared.  Now, I was on the couch but could not sleep.  I lie in the dark with a restless mind.  The sensation of elation started to climb and my mind was trying to keep up with it.  I could not control nor did I know where the elation was going to take me, but had an unsettling feeling that my mind could not and would not keep up with it.  I lay on the couch in the dark and my mind kept going higher to a place I did not know.  Then I became fearful, and felt the two would separate.  My mind was moving. Woah. Would this mean my death?

The elation continued, and I struggled to mentally keep up but could not.  One man on the chessboard got up and told me where to go.  Out of fear I let go.  The sensation of exploding into a billion atoms engulfed me.  I had become atomized.  I could feel life’s experiences in each and every atom.  This is what death must feel like I thought.  I let the atoms take me and floated through them.  I was them and they were me.  It was equinamity; I had never felt it before.  Everything about my life was shown to me in these billions of atoms.  I had answers about the past and learned the answers of tomorrow.  I am Alice.  First, I was big, 10 feet tall, and now I am small.  I learned that there was never and will never be anything to fear. “A hookah smoking character had given me the call.”

{Author’s note: Alice in Wonderland has always been my favorite children’s story.  References are from Jefferson Airplane’s song “White Rabbit”}




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